EXO: Expectation vs. Reality
Expectation: Cold and mysterious leader. Quiet and reserved. Somewhat detached from rest of group.
Reality: Lazy, sassy, and talkative microphone-hog fashionista. Giant, tallest in SM. Wise and gives good advice. Talks so much on TV but also looks rather unhappy doing it. Makes the most eye contact with camera because he knows he’s hot. Sleeps talks in 4 languages (Taoris nights must be the most classy and exciting multilingual shit). Sex god. Spends more time in the bathroom than my mother does. Likes rubbing unknown substances on his face. Rubbing. Rub a dub dub. Still has a flawless bitch face. Smile that blows minds. Impeccable style and image. Weak spot= baby brother Tao. Awkward accented English as a result of trying to attempt swag. Talent: Catwalk. Deep voice known to explode ovaries even with somewhat awkward English. “Roll like a buffalo.” Catch phrase: “Next time.” Goes shopping more than I do to buy Gucci products to win Princess Tao’s favor.
Magic and charades.
Expectation: 18-year-old dancer and singer with a cute face and a tender personality. Quiet and hardworking. Youngest member.
Reality: 22-year-old Marilyn Monroe. Natural aegyo. Dazzling smile. Dongsaeng whore. Known to be one of the most unfaithful members of EXO, cheating here and there. Most shippable member, notable ships include the famous Hunhan, LuKai, Laylu. Very touchy feely. Extremely well rounded, from academics, to multiple talents. Surprisingly but not that surprisingly mature. Bitch possess some flawless mandarin . Hardest to wake up in the morning, and claims that this is simply because he cannot hear the alarm clock because nothing can interrupt his dreams about Sehun. Hobby: Football. Rubix cube. Donald Duck hyung. Enjoy the mayo. Irresistible charm, angelic voice. “Fairest of them all.” Tied for oldest member. Full of irony and contradictions and the epitome of successful mind fuckery.
Expectation: Charismatic dancer. Flamboyant and dramatic fashion because of pink skinnies. Quiet with a strong presence. Has an incomprehensible attraction to Kai’s crotch area. Potato chips.
Reality: Potato chips. Unicorns. Derp faces, and in a state of constant confusion. Terrible memory and the most humorous of them all. Although the reason of his humor is his constant derping. Dimples to die for. Fabulous in long hair and a beanie. NG king. Nobody dance. A prime example of how puberty and SM can change people from cute chubby babies to sex gods. All around artistic talented bitch. Dramatic, powerful dancer and possesses a lovely unique voice. Still has a penchant for Kai’s crotch. Down to earth and honest. Variety show material. Divulges leader Kris’ secrets without hesitation. Biggest cockblocker in the Hunhan ship, and Luhan adores his not-so-secret lover openly, causing a lot of tension for both fans and Sehun. Winner of the most hilarious “what are you doing” poker face, characterized by a subtle smile and out of focus eyes. 4D. Sticks tongue out in photoshoots. Forgets his stage name. Ray ge.
Expectation: Split image of Hangeng. Serious and passionate badass who could seriously kick some ass with flawless wushu skills. Charismatic and sexual stare.
Reality: Kung fu panda. Diva. Cry baby. The biggest camwhore on the planet after facebook girls with the duck face. Will do aegyo for cake and other delicious noms. Maknae and gets whatever the fucking hell he wants from leader Kris. Gets babied. Master of aegyo. Princess peach. Sexual stare in a suit=ovaries gone. Has a fabulous butt. Very muscular from all that intense bedtime activity with big brother Kris from years of hard work and wushu training. Werks those leather pants. Expensive bitch who adores Gucci and knows his brands. Taoris as full-time occupation. In his free time, he nags Kris to hurry the fuck up so he can exploit Kris of all his money and buy Gucci purses for his vast collection. Raps like a fucking boss due to all those years of telling Kris to hurry the fuck up with his hair. Hobby: Lonely walks on the beach. Learned korean from watching dramas. Xiumin oppa. OTP with Manager. One line in MAMA.
Reality: Korean. Might just be the owner of the most fucking amazing vocal chords in the history of amazing vocal chords. Sexual jawline of a Greek God. Orange. Poor baby in China. Hipster Chen. Forever tagging along with the oldest Xiuminnie. Sweetest smile on the planet. Beginning to open his heart on TV and has been seen giggling, which is a great improvement from the original stoic dazed expression. School nerd. The most uncamwhorish sophisticated bish on the planet. “Kris and I like the same girl? Mine.” “I have 4 people in my family.” Sarcastic.
Expectation: Sohee look-alike. Young. Korean. Cutie.
Reality: Golden bun. Oldest. Like, really the oldest. Forever anti-aging. The cutest baby ever. Talented bitch who can sing, dance, scream, and rap and is known for having a great love for food. Was denied food in SM dungeons. Favorite words include “Xie” and “Xie”. Still looks like Sohee. Enjoys having Chen on his arm as an accessory. Goes to China and eats buns with all his little boys. And since he’s not the leader, he doesn’t pay. Clever Xiumin is clever.
Expectation: The face of the group. Rightfully cocky. Open and dramatic. Charismatic. Reality: The face of the group. Dancing gigolo. The most fucking bipolar thing I’ve ever seen. Bitch teases the fuck out of fangirls. Sex face 24/7. Cheeky and demanding. Cute. Occasionally a shy baby. Sexy lip biting master. Rather humble. Has warped sense of humor. Is a versatile bastard. Allergic to clothes. Loves to strip and skip. Can look like a baby. Uses aegyo on sunbaes but will sex face audience while performing. Cockblocks Hunhan with a fiery passion. Has issues with controlling his tongue motor skills, because it always falls out of his mouth. His crotch. Has potential to do girl group dances. Kkamjong. Barely legal and yet the most naked. Biggest bias list fucker-upper of yours truly.
Expectation: Amazing hair. Chatty and mature. Good at dancing, and has a manly feel. Very social and talks to everyone.
Reality: Thehun. Bitch has the cutest lisp in the entire world. Cute. Great at dancing. Permanently stoned. Looks dazed half the time. Cannot decide between Kai and Luhan. Indecisive bitch. Enjoys seeing Kai’s boobies. Amazing hair. Sleeveless shirts and him should be forever. Forehead should be forever. Hunhan forever the cutest couple. Never really talks to anyone unless it’s Luhan. Just might be the strangest maknae ever. Is in a great need for chapstick as he licks them incessantly as if they’re ice cream. Eye smile comparable with Tiffany’s. Bitch is a liar for saying he doesn’t know how to do aegyo.
Expectation: Calm and serious. Solemn. The kind to not get the jokes and the one who’s the party pooper.
Reality: Giggly leader. NG king #2. Super kind and bubbly. Forever Kai’s number one fanboy. Might be the girliest looking of them all but it works fabulously for this bitch. Yeah, haters, don’t judge. This guy is prettier than all the women in yo family combined k you just jealous. Siwon lookalike. Only 10 cm shorter. Arden Cho lookalike. The most gorgeous smile ever. Part of the EXO’s angelic voice collection. Eyes that literally glitter. Tis some scary shit. jkay but not really they seriously glitter. Forever paying for all of EXO’s food needs. The cute but short leader who drinks coffee and golfs like a boss. Or like an old person. Grandpa. Sweetest appa ever. Lenient to his children. Intense feelings when singing Angel.
Expectation: Quiet. Somewhat emotionless. Maybe the type to sit around and read. Not a dancer.
Mature. Cool and suave.
Reality: Not really a dancer. Can’t do hip gyrating motions. Awkward penguin. Constantly judging you. Most macroable face award. Sarcastic smiles. Bulgy eye syndrome. Great power vocals. Looks completely different when he’s wearing makeup. Always looks like he’s seen something distasteful or shocking. (I bet he saw genitals again—you know how Kai likes to get nekkid) Very non-emotionless. Can be read like a fucking book. Hilarious and is the one sane person in the midst of this craziness called EXO. Best imitations ever. Best english accent. DJ Got Us Falling In Love and Billionaire. Umma. SS4 concert: Oppa! Best at cooking spaghetti with kimchi.
Expectation: Singer. Can’t dance.
Reality: Singer. Can dance. Best at shooting anonymouses. Wears eyeliner better than anyone. L lookalike. Showers with Sehun and makes Luhan jelly. Causing towel deaths since he was born. Natural CF model. Sizzling greasy bacon. Cannot stop thinking about his hot sexy sunbaes SNSD. Variety show potential. English name: Bun Bacon. Squeals like a dog when sleeping. Threesome with Chanyeol and Tao. Beef. His fetish with lights. Can’t remember his chinese name. Sunny smile that lights up the entire world. Neck veins as thick as tree trunks when he’s belting live. Fingers prettier than a girl’s. Amazing range. Sweet and attentive. ABSOLUTE CHANYEOL RUINED MY LIFE ASLDL:AJKSDL:JASLKDJASDAS THIS COUPLE yeah okay
Reality: Not really normal. Happy Virus. Bouncy bouncy guy. Ridiculously photogenic guy. So fucking fabulous in glasses I can’t even. Derp evil mad scientist. Face that does not ever equate with voice. Surprisingly tall. Hair in a constant state of chaos, but that’s the stylist’ damn fault. Cannot unimagine as robot. AYOOOOO waddup Krease. Histowee. Rapping skills are flawless. Hilarious. Won’t ever stop smiling. Charming smiles are a rarity. Derp smiles are 99.999999 percent of the time. Part of EXO’s exclusive Derp squad. Forever Baekyeol. History was made when he went sleeveless on 4/28. Prettier than any girl when crossdressing. Laughs and claps hands like a deranged seal. Gets more MV interaction with SNSD than Bacon. Number 1 ELF. Really, really, really, really, really super. The only one who looks remotely manly while doing heart signs. Forever crinkling his nose laughing.